Caroline's Secret Read online

  She didn’t like to complain. She had made her choices, after all.

  Caroline resisted the urge to rub the feeling back into her arms and instead enjoyed the sway of the horses. Clop, clop, clop, the hooves sounded against the pavement as they trotted toward the farm.

  How long had it been since she had ridden in a buggy? The thought brought tears to her eyes. As much as she loved Esther and her new life in Wells Landing, if she could go back she wouldn’t. Because that would mean a life without Emma. Caroline was homesick. It was as plain as that. She missed her family, her parents and their conservative ways. She missed her cousins, the closest thing she had to siblings of her own. She missed the services in German, the potluck after, and her mother’s roasted chicken.

  Andrew nudged her with his elbow, gently bringing her back to the present. “Are you all right?”

  She nodded, unable to speak around the lump in her throat. Reminiscing and wondering were not ways to accept her newfound life. She could never go back to Ethridge, never go back to the life she had there.

  “You don’t look fine. You look like you’re about to cry. What has you so sad, Caroline Hostetler?”

  “I was just thinking about my parents.”

  Andrew’s crystal eyes clouded over with regret. “I am sorry I mentioned it. Have they been gone long?”

  It took a moment for his question to register, then Caroline shook her head. “They’re not dead. Just in Tennessee.”

  “That’s where you moved here from, Tennessee?”

  “Jah.”

  “I miss my parents too, but after . . . Well, I thought it best to get away for a while.”

  “Does that mean that you’re only visiting Wells Landing?”

  He gave a small shrug. “That depends on Onkle. I came down to help, and when he decides he doesn’t need my help anymore, I’ll go back to Missouri.”

  “What’s it like there?”

  “Missouri? A lot like here, I guess. Except we don’t use tractors. But everything else is pretty much the same. Our church services are in German. But that’s all. And I farm instead of make furniture.”

  “Do you like one more than the other?”

  But Andrew didn’t have time to answer as they pulled to a stop. Abe hopped down from the front and opened the gate while Esther clicked the reins and directed the horses inside.

  Once the gate was closed behind them, Abe climbed back into the buggy, shooting Esther a quick smile.

  Andrew leaned close. “That was promising.”

  Caroline nodded, ignoring the soft scent of his detergent mixed with the sweet smell of the shampoo she used to wash Emma’s hair. The combination gave her heart a squeeze.

  What was wrong with her lately? She had gotten teary eyed over her parents and near angry that Andrew had been gentlemanly enough to help her with Emma. Maybe she needed a trip to the doctor for a checkup.

  She pushed the thought away as Abe reined in the horses and the buggy stopped.

  “You ladies go on inside, and we’ll be in directly.” Abe pointed toward the front door of the little white house.

  “I’ll help you with the horses after I lay her down.” Andrew gestured toward the sleeping child in his arms. Caroline did her best not to sigh wistfully at the sight they made together, her friend and her baby.

  “I can help,” Caroline added. It had been a long time since she had tended horses, but skills like that weren’t easily forgotten.

  Esther looked to the big roan beast that pulled Abe’s buggy with distrust in her eyes. “It seems like you have plenty of help with horses. But I can stay if’n you want.” Caroline wasn’t sure if anyone else saw it or not, but Esther’s eyes begged him to say no.

  Abe shook his head. “You could go on into the house and make us something to eat.”

  “Why, Abe Fitch, is that the only reason you invited us out to sup? So we’d prepare food?” The teasing light in Esther’s eyes took the sting out of the question and replaced the fear Caroline had seen there earlier.

  Abe flushed red to the roots of his hair.

  Caroline laughed.

  “If that was the case, Esther Lapp, I would have invited you years ago.”

  “I think it’s working,” Andrew bent low and whispered in Caroline’s ear.

  Emma was sleeping soundly, snuggled on Abe’s bed and surrounded by mounds of pillows to protect her from falling off.

  Esther and Abe stood at the stove stirring soup and flipping grilled cheese sandwiches on the griddle.

  “I think so too.”

  They shared a smile as Andrew pulled out the chair opposite Caroline and took a seat.

  “Onkle,” Andrew said without taking his eyes from Caroline, “after we eat, why don’t you take Esther down and show her that new horse the breeder brought in yesterday?”

  Abe looked at Esther as if startled that she had followed him home from church.

  Caroline hid her smile. She and Andrew might need divine help in order to get those two together.

  “You want to see the horses?”

  Esther beamed. “I’d like that, jah.”

  “Then that is what we will do.”

  Bowls of soup were poured, sandwiches served, then they all sat down to eat.

  Caroline bowed her head and said a prayer of thanks for the beautiful day, the good company, and the food they were about to eat.

  “Aemen,” Abe uttered.

  Caroline had no more than raised the spoon to her lips when Emma cried out.

  She tried not to sigh as she pushed back from the table. But she was hungry. Beachy services were as lengthy as Old Order ones, and breakfast had been a long time ago. Yet duty called.

  “I’ll get her.” Esther started to stand.

  Caroline smiled politely but firmly, stilling Esther half in and half out of her seat. “I’ve got it.”

  Emma was kneeling on the bed rubbing her eyes and still surrounded by pillows when Caroline walked in.

  Once Emma spied her, she raised her pudgy arms to be picked up. “Mamm.”

  Caroline’s heart melted all over again.

  She scooped Emma into her arms, loving the warm weight of her form. She planted a kiss on the dark curls of her hair. “Are you hungry, wee one?”

  After a quick diaper change and hand washing, Caroline made it back to the table just in time for everyone to finish their meal.

  “I’ll reheat your soup,” Esther offered, but Caroline shook her head.

  “Tomato is good cold as well.” There was no sense in dirtying another pan.

  “Want me to hold her while you eat?”

  “I thought you were going down to the pasture to see the new horse.”

  “I haven’t seen the old horses yet. They will be there after a while.”

  Caroline settled Emma into the crook of her arm. “I can handle this. You go on ahead and see the horses.”

  Esther frowned but let the subject drop as Caroline tore off a piece of her now-cold grilled cheese and gave it to Emma to gnaw.

  The screen door slammed shut with a springy bang as Esther and Abe made their way outside.

  Andrew stood at the sink, looking out the window as his uncle and Esther made their way to the horse pasture. “I think it’s working,” he said once again, turning back to Caroline. “Want me to hold her while you eat?”

  Caroline scooped up a spoonful of soup and held it toward her toddler’s mouth. “I can manage.”

  “I didn’t ask if you could manage. I merely offered my help.” He sat down opposite her, but Caroline avoided his searching gaze, instead focusing on feeding Emma.

  “Why do you do that?” he asked.

  “Do what?” she hedged.

  “Get all defensive when someone offers to help you with Emma?”

  “I don’t,” she started, but he shot her a look that clearly stated he didn’t believe her. “She is my responsibility.”

  “That doesn’t mean you can’t accept help with her.”

&n
bsp; He was right, of course, but Caroline had a difficult time accepting help. She had made her choices, brought a baby into this world. And now she would care for her . . . alone.

  “If I need help, I ask.” She scooped another bite of soup for the toddler and avoided looking at him directly. Somehow when she looked into his eyes, she wished for things to be different.

  Her heart squeezed in her chest and she directed all of her attention on getting the soup into Emma’s mouth. It was better by far than obsessing over the man seated across from her.

  “After you’re done, do you want to take her to the corral to see the horses?”

  Caroline managed not to sigh with relief at the change of subject. “That would be gut, jah.”

  She tried not to be self-conscious of his lingering gaze as she finished up feeding them both. She rinsed the bowl in the sink and sat Emma on the counter. Quick as a wink, Andrew was there holding out a clean rag for her to use to wash Emma’s face and hands.

  Is this what it’s like to have a father, a husband, a life mate to help with all the little parts of living? It was nice to know there was someone she could depend on.

  She shook away the thought lest it become too comfortable and decide to stay. Emma was her responsibility and hers alone. It’d do neither any good a’tall to become accustomed to others doing for them.

  “Are you ready?” Andrew plucked his hat from the peg on the wall and held open the door for them.

  Caroline hid her sad thoughts behind her smile and swung Emma to her hip. “Lead the way,” she said and stepped out into the warm Oklahoma afternoon.

  Esther walked alongside Abe, enjoying being out in the fresh farm air and sunshine. She just wished that he would talk to her.

  It had been a long time since she had been interested in someone, romantically speaking, but she couldn’t nail down what there was about Abe that drew her in. He was a little strubbly ; his shirt stayed partially untucked and one of the straps on his suspenders was turned wrong. And he was adorable.

  His hands were strong and long-fingered, even if they were perpetually stained. He was an artist. It fascinated Esther that he could take something as simple as wood and make useful, beautiful furniture.

  Abe walked up to the wooden fence and propped one foot on the bottom rung. “What do you think?”

  She opened her mouth to respond, closing it again as she realized that he was talking about the horses. “Th-they’re beautiful.”

  He hooked one arm toward her. “How can you tell from way over there?”

  Esther hesitantly approached. Well, she inched forward a couple of feet.

  Abe turned those blue eyes so like his nephew’s on her, a frown of confusion wrinkling his brow. “I thought you wanted to see the horses?”

  “Jah. Of course I do.”

  “Ach, then get over here and do it.”

  She heaved a big breath. “I’m a little afraid of horses.” There, she said it.

  Abe looked at her as if she had said she was turning English. “How can this be?”

  She shrugged. “They’re just so . . . big.”

  He continued to study her. “Earlier you drove the team through the gates.”

  “That’s different.”

  “Jah?” Abe asked, but she could tell he was still confused.

  She tried again. “They were . . . contained.”

  “With bridles and such?”

  Esther nodded.

  “Here they are behind a fence.”

  “But they are still all over the place.” And could knock her to the ground in a heartbeat. “My brother . . . A horse killed my brother.”

  Abe cocked his head to one side in that thoughtful manner she found so charming. “I remember that. Well, that was nigh on fifty years ago.”

  It was, but when she saw horses like these, running around in a pasture, those memories appeared as clear as if they had happened the day before.

  Abe stroked his beard. “What did you do when you and John had your place?”

  “He took care of the horses for me, and as long as they were contained . . .” She shrugged.

  “This will never do, never do.” He reached his hand out to her.

  Esther stared at it a moment, then placed her hand inside his.

  His palm was rough from all the years of working with wood, but his grasp was gentle as he drew her closer to him, closer to the fence that separated her from the large beasts.

  She took a shuddering breath. It had been a long time since she had trusted a man. A very long time. She allowed him to pull her closer to him, closer to the shiny rusty-colored horse.

  The animal had an earthy smell that mixed with the faint scent of leather and the woody blend of the man beside her.

  He continued to hold her hand in his as he reached out and ran her fingers down the horse’s nose. The muzzle was as soft as satin, the horse’s breath warm and moist on her palm as he blew out. She moved back, but Abe was behind her, holding her in place even though he only touched her hand.

  “He won’t hurt you,” Abe crooned.

  And just like that Abe the wood crafter became a different man, and Esther felt herself fall a little more in love with him.

  She tried not to relax into him when she wanted nothing more than to melt into his embrace. She fought the urge to snuggle close to him and tell him exactly how much he meant to her. But that was the pinnacle of impropriety.

  Besides that, he had never once indicated that they would ever be anything more than friends.

  She stiffened. He dropped her hand and stepped away, giving the horse one last pat on his neck before gesturing back toward the house. “Are you ready to call it done?”

  What else could she do but nod? With a dip of her chin she led the way up the path to the house.

  Once outside, Caroline lowered Emma onto the grass, keeping a tight hold on her tiny hand. “Lead the way,” she said and the trio started off down the thin path of dirt that led toward the stables.

  Caroline tried her best not to notice how Andrew slowed his long stride to accommodate Emma’s chubby little legs, or how he showed her a bunny nervously nibbling on a patch of clover just this side of the fence. Tried not to notice how nice he was.

  How nice it was being with him.

  “Look, Emma.” He swung the toddler into his arms and pointed toward the approaching horse.

  The black gelding advanced slowly, sorting out a greeting with a shake of his mighty head. He was easily the biggest horse Caroline had ever seen, but Emma was not afraid.

  She clapped her hands together and squealed when the horse shook his mane and snorted again.

  “Here.” Andrew took one of her tiny hands into his much larger one and stretched it out until it was almost touching the velvet nose of the beast.

  Caroline held her breath. She wasn’t afraid of horses, but this one was just so huge.

  The gelding snorted again, then nuzzled Emma’s hand like a cat.

  “He wants a treat.” Andrew let go of Emma’s hand to reach into his pocket. Out came a sugar cube, which he allowed the horse to eat off his palm.

  Emma was enthralled, clapping her hands and bouncing in Andrew’s arms.

  Caroline exhaled, not realizing until that very moment that she had been holding her breath. It wasn’t that she didn’t trust Andrew; she was just so accustomed to doing things herself, taking care of Emma and not having to share her with others. It was more than strange to hand Emma over to Andrew and allow him to teach her and guide her in any matter.

  “Does the horse bother you?”

  Caroline turned toward Andrew, an answer not readily forming in her mind. “I guess I had forgotten how big they are.”

  Andrew smiled, a grin Caroline was sure could melt butter in January. “Or how small she is?”

  “Jah, that too.”

  “Follow me.” He gave a small gesture with his head. With Emma still cradled high in his strong arms, he led Caroline into the dim interior of the b
arn. She heard them before she saw them, their whines and grunts unmistakable.

  “They were born sometime last night.” He opened the door to the stall just off to the side of the tack room.

  There nestled in the clean fresh hay was a black-and-white border collie nursing a litter of pups. At first count there were six, but a seventh, smaller one pushed its way from the bottom of the pile back to the top in order to get a better spot.

  Andrew set Emma on her feet, supporting her until she was steady.

  “They are so sweet.” Caroline dropped to her knees on the hay, stretching out her hand for the mother to sniff. Once she had passed the test, Caroline stroked the dog’s silky head.

  Emma squealed and started forward, only to be caught by Andrew before she could reach her goal.

  “Oh, no, wee one. They are much too small for even your little hands.”

  Caroline pushed back to her feet. “What did you call her?”

  “Wee one.” A frown of concern puckered his brow. “Is that a problem?”

  She swallowed back the longing clogging her throat. “Nay, it’s just that I call her that too.” How ironic that they had both chosen the same endearment for her daughter. It was a connection that she didn’t want to examine.

  “Does that bother you? I can call her something else. Just Emma. Wee one seems to fit her.”

  “It is fine, Andrew Fitch. Of course you may call her wee one.”

  Andrew smiled and Caroline tried not to notice the brilliance in it all. He bounced Emma in his arms until she squealed. “Wee one, it’s time to head back to the house. If I know my onkle, he’s started ice cream and it should be just about ready.”

  Caroline felt a little strange trailing behind Andrew as he carried Emma back to the house. She wasn’t used to seeing Emma in the arms of a man. Watching the two of them together made her realize the need to fortify her heart. She and Andrew had agreed to be friends. It was only to be expected that they would be around Emma together, and he was such a helpful and kind person that it stood to reason that he would help Caroline with the toddler. But having his help was one thing she would have to be careful not to get too accustomed to. Who knew how long before some schee Amish girl took Andrew’s heart away.