Caroline's Secret Read online

  They come by the busload to stay at the Yoder Bed and Breakfast. They buy cases of jelly, stacks of quilts, and platters of baked goods. Anything and everything that has to do with Plain people.

  Which reminds me, danki for making the doll for Emma. Seeing your tiny, even stitches brought tears to my eyes. Holding her first doll in my hands made me realize how quickly she is growing up. Did you feel the same as I grew and started to school?

  It certainly gives me a new perspective on the Ordnung. Now I see that the rules aren’t there to keep us from being individuals, but to protect us from a world that would pull us down into temptation. How strange that looking back at that summer I can see my mistakes so clearly, but at the time, I really thought I had my best interests in mind.

  I know this won’t change how Dat feels about me, or the troubles I have brought to my family, but it makes me understand how the two of you just wanted to keep me safe. Just as I strive every day to keep my dochder safe. It all makes sense now, even if it is too late.

  Every morning and every night I pray that Dat will be able to forgive me soon. I know I will never be able to return to live in Tennessee, but I would like to know that I am forgiven by him as I do the best I can with the situation I am in.

  I love you and miss you. Dat too.

  Love,

  Caroline

  Chapter Nine

  As Esther predicted, Friday was busy with the bus tourists crawling all over the town, doing everything in their power to experience all that they could of the Amish lifestyle in a short period of time.

  The increased customer load as well as the normal orders and walk-ins had Esther and Caroline working straight through lunch to get the necessary items baked.

  She was certain that Lorie and the other employees at the Kauffman restaurant were hard at work as well. Only Emily, who taught school to the scholars in their district, would not be affected by the number of tourists.

  But her reprieve from the hundreds of questions her freinden would ask was only postponed until another day. Most probably Monday, when they would all meet back at the park for lunch.

  With any luck, by then Emily and Lorie would see that she and Andrew were no more than friends.

  Less than, if the look on his face the night before was any indication.

  For a moment there in his arms she had felt something, a kinship, a rightness that she had never felt before. But then his expression changed, his eyes closed off, and she felt as if she were looking at a stranger.

  She had no idea what she had done wrong.

  Or maybe it wasn’t a matter of something she did. Perhaps she had only thought there was something more in Andrew’s eyes and she was mistaken.

  “Are you okay?” Esther came up beside her, wiping her pink cheeks on the tail of her apron.

  “Jah, why?”

  “That’s the thirteenth time you’ve looked out the window and sighed.”

  Caroline shook her head. “That’s impossible.”

  “I may have missed a couple of times.” Esther smiled in her kindly way and Caroline found herself wishing she could relive the night before. Maybe change the outcome between her and Andrew. But since that wasn’t possible, she would just have to figure out a way to get her friend back. Or learn to live without him.

  “It’s strange, isn’t it?”

  “Huh?” Caroline turned to face Esther, only then realizing she had been lost in her own thoughts once again.

  “I said it’s strange.”

  “What’s strange?”

  “How you meet a person and in a very little time they become so very important to you.”

  “Jah.” All Caroline could do was agree.

  “Take you and Andrew, for example.”

  Caroline shook her head. “There is nothing between me and Andrew Fitch.”

  “Are you saying that you haven’t been staring out the window waiting for him to come in like he’s done every day this week?”

  “I didn’t say that, but—”

  Esther patted her hand. “It’s okay, dear. It was the same way with me and my John. I saw him one day. I mean really looked at him and knew that sometime in the future he’d be the most important person in my life.”

  “That’s not how it is—”

  “I know you say he’s just your friend, but they are important too, jah?”

  So very important. Esther was right. Somehow in the course of just a couple of weeks Andrew had grown important to her. Whatever happened between them last night needed to be cleared up.

  “No time like right now.”

  Caroline glanced around the bakery. Everyone seemed to be doing okay. Customers sat at tables and enjoyed a snack and a fresh-brewed cup of kaffi. Some milled round, gazing into the large glass pastry cases as they tried to decide on their afternoon treat. The line of waiting patrons no longer snaked out the door and down the sidewalk in front of the bakery.

  “I’ve got Jodie here to help if I get busy. Why don’t you go on down and talk to him.”

  “Emma—” Caroline started, knowing it was nothing more than an excuse.

  “She’s fine right where she is.”

  It was the truth. Caroline could hear her babbling play floating in from the back room of the bakery.

  She reached behind her to untie her cooking apron. As usual, she was covered in flour.

  With a shy smile, their afternoon helper, fifteen-year-old Jodie Miller, handed Caroline a fresh apron.

  Esther used a damp cloth to wipe clean the flour she had somehow managed to get on her back as Caroline smoothed down the sides of her hair and tucked any wayward strands back under her prayer kapp. She repinned the sides and took a deep breath. “How do I look?”

  Esther reached up and pinched Caroline’s cheeks. “Now that you have a little color? Perfect.”

  Caroline smiled, running her hands down her front. “I’ll be back as soon as I can.”

  “Take all the time you need.”

  The old cowbell over the door clanked out its warning.

  Danny had gone back out to the farm to get a few more of the wooden toys that Abe kept on hand for the tourists. They seemed to love all things Amish, and the simplistic games were no exception. But it was too soon for Danny’s return.

  His uncle had just gone out the back way, heading down to the hardware store for the new saw blade the manager there had ordered. But Andrew wouldn’t put it past him to have forgotten something and come in the front to fetch it.

  But most probably it was an Englischer looking for one last memento before loading back onto the bus that brought them to Wells Landing.

  With a tired sigh, he set aside the sandpaper and wiped his hands on a rag before heading into the showroom.

  But it wasn’t a tourist, Danny, or his uncle standing nervously by the door.

  “Caroline.” He stopped short, his feet refusing to take him farther into the room.

  “Andrew.” She seemed to be as anxious as he felt. “I was hoping we might talk for a minute.”

  “I’m here alone right now. Meet you in the park in fifteen minutes?”

  “It’s hot out today. How about the diner?”

  “I’ll be there.”

  Fifteen minutes later, Andrew pushed his way into the Kauffman Family Restaurant. As it was too late for the lunch crowd and too early for supper, only a few stragglers were still seated.

  It was easy to spot Caroline, sitting in the front at a small table, cup of coffee steaming in front of her.

  She looked up as he sat down, tipping his hat a little farther back on his head to better see her face.

  “Would you like a cup of kaffi?”

  He shook his head, unsure of where the conversation was headed. But he had an idea.

  He’d seen that vulnerable look in her eyes last night, searching, expecting, wanting.

  But what she had in mind was more than he was willing to give. He’d do best to start this before she said something both of them would regr
et.

  “It’s not that you aren’t a fine woman, Caroline.” He coughed. “I mean, any Amish man worth his salt would be more than froh to have you as his wife. But—”

  “You don’t have to say anything else.”

  “Jah, but I do. If we’re going to continue to be friends, the people around us are going to assume there is more than that between us. The least I can do is tell you the truth.”

  He took her hand into his own, squeezed it once, then let it go. He enjoyed the solid feel of her hand in his. Caroline was strong, sure, and true. He didn’t feel like he might break her if he tightened his grip. Nor could he become accustomed to the softness of her skin.

  He took a deep, shuddering breath. He hadn’t spoken about this since the day they buried her. To bring it up again would be like pouring salt in a fresh wound. Yet he cared enough about Caroline to do just that.

  “I had promised to marry someone. Her name was Beth.” He stopped. Sometimes it hurt to say her name out loud, but this time the pain didn’t come. “She was as sweet as honey, such a good maedel was my Beth.”

  He paused, lining up his thoughts in order to speak them aloud. “She lived in the next house over from mine. My father’s pasture and her father’s pasture butted up against each other. I don’t ever remember a time when I did not know her. All my life she lived right next door, and all my life I knew that one day she would be my fraa. God had other plans, is all.”

  The words didn’t shred his insides when he said them, a true indicator that time could take away hurts. Time and prayer. He prayed every night for understanding. He’d always known that it was in God’s plan for Beth to be taken earlier than most. But he had at least wanted the chance to show her how much he loved her, to make her his wife and live, if only for a little while, as married couples do.

  “Tell me what she looked like.”

  “Her hair was dark, like the cocoa powder my mamm used in her chocolate pies, and her eyes were the same. She was small and frail.”

  He hadn’t realized until that moment that he had taken Caroline’s hand into his own again. He squeezed it gently, fully intending to let her go once the action was complete. But he couldn’t make himself complete the task. He kept on holding her hand, and Caroline kept on letting him.

  “Was she grank?”

  “Jah. She had been born with a bad heart. We always knew that she would not live with us long.”

  “But you loved her anyway.” The words did not accuse, merely let him know she understood.

  “You don’t get to pick and choose who you love.” He turned to look at her then, his heart breaking at the sight of the glittering tears in her hazel eyes.

  “I’m so sorry, Andrew. That must have been terribly difficult for you.”

  He nodded, swallowing down his own sorrow.

  “And that’s why you decided to come to Wells Landing?”

  “I thought it would be gut to have a different view for a while.”

  She dipped her chin, then picked up her cup and took a sip.

  The action seemed uncomfortable.

  “You know what it’s like, losing someone who you’ve loved.”

  She jerked her gaze back to his. “Jah,” she said quietly. “I do.”

  A heartbeat thumped between them, and the feeling of well-being passed over Andrew. She hadn’t gotten up and walked away. She hadn’t gotten angry or accused him with those big hazel eyes of hers.

  The person who had come to mean the most to him since Beth died had understood. It was more than he could have prayed for.

  Caroline took a deep breath. “Andrew?”

  “Jah?”

  She shook her head. “Nix.” She placed some coins on the table and stood. “I’ve get to get back to work.”

  He grasped her hand before she could leave. “See you Sunday?”

  “It’s not a church Sunday.”

  “Jonah Miller is trying to get together a volleyball game. I thought we might could go.”

  Her gaze centered somewhere around his left ear. “That would be gut.”

  Caroline couldn’t have asked for a purtier day. Sunday dawned with clear blue skies and not a cloud in sight.

  “Why don’t you go with us?” Caroline asked Esther over breakfast.

  Esther shook her head. “You young people go on and have a gut time.”

  “It’s not like that,” Caroline protested, handing Emma a hunk of banana to go with her toast.

  She should be ashamed of herself, but Caroline enjoyed the off Sunday from church. Monday through Saturday she worked at the bakery, only taking time to have lunch and put Emma down for a nap before working until the sun went down. Sunday’s three-hour church service didn’t leave a lot of time for much else other than traveling to the meeting, eating, and traveling back. It was good to have one day where she didn’t have to rush around, get Emma fed and out the door.

  “I’ve seen how you look at that boy.”

  Caroline’s shoulders stiffened involuntarily. “What do you mean by that?”

  Esther’s tone turned serious as she reached across the table and clasped Caroline’s fingers in her own plump grasp. “It’s been two years since Emma’s dat . . . Well, I think you deserve to find love again.”

  Caroline shook her head, hoping to dislodge the lump in her throat. “Esther, I—”

  “I know it’s painful to talk about, and you don’t have to tell me anything that brings back those baremlich memories. I loved my John as long as the day. But I saved my love and my life for him after he was gone until I may have waited too late to find love again. I don’t want to see that happen to you.”

  Love hurt entirely too much, but Caroline wasn’t about to tell Esther that. Just thinking the words was sad enough. “Andrew is here to heal a grieving heart,” she said instead.

  “Sounds like someone else I know.” Esther rose from the table as a knock sounded on their door. “That must be him.”

  Caroline eyed her daughter with a sigh. Banana was smeared in her dark wispy curls, and it looked as if she got more toast up her nose than in her mouth. Now Andrew was at the door and ready to go.

  That was what she got for lollygagging around.

  “You get the door, I’ll get Emma,” Esther said, but Caroline shook her head.

  “I’ll get Emma.” Esther did way too much for them already. It wouldn’t do for Caroline to take advantage of another’s generosity.

  Esther gave her a strange look before shaking her head and opening the door.

  “Guder mariye.” Andrew took off his hat as he stepped into their tiny apartment. He smiled at them both, looking almost as nervous as Caroline felt.

  She turned her attention back to wiping the banana out of her boppli’s hair. When had she gotten so nervous that her stomach was jumping rope like a scholar at recess? Or maybe the question was why?

  “I guess I should be leaving for the Bible reading.” Esther tied her black bonnet under her chin. “Unless you need some help.”

  Caroline shook her head. “I’m fine. You go on and have a gut time.”

  Esther frowned, but nodded. “I’ll see you at supper.”

  “We’ll only be a few more minutes,” Caroline called after Esther had gone.

  She groaned with dismay as she looked down at her dress. While she had been so busy trying to clean Emma’s face and hair, the child had grabbed her dress with both messy hands. Now Caroline had almost as much breakfast on her as Emma did.

  “Can I help?”

  Caroline jumped as Andrew’s voice sounded right behind her. She shook her head. “I can manage.”

  “I know you can manage, but can I help?” He smiled. “I feel like we’ve had this conversation before.”

  Emma reached her now-clean hands toward him, leaning against Caroline’s hold.

  “Come here, wee one,” he said, planting a kiss on the baby’s sweet cheek.

  Caroline could only stare. It was strange to see a man kiss her daughter. Ther
e were no onkles or grossdaadis to shower affection onto the child. The action was a first for Caroline. But she was more than shocked. She was perhaps a little bit jealous. She and Andrew had had a moment of sorts that night in the park. He had pulled away from her then, yet he could sprinkle kisses in Emma’s hair as if that was his purpose for being born.

  She pushed away the silly thoughts. “If—if you can hold her for a minute, I’ll go change.”

  “Gut plan.”

  Caroline hesitated only a moment more before making her way to her room to change. As she dressed, she tried to ignore the baby giggles floating in from the family room.

  Emma adored Andrew, and it seemed as if the feeling was mutual.

  “You sure have a way with boppli,” Caroline said as she came back into the room. Andrew was sitting on the floor stacking blocks with Emma. As soon as he got four on top of each other, she toppled them down, then laughed and clapped at the faces he made.

  “I told you, I have six sisters. All older than me.” He pushed to his feet, then lifted Emma into his arms with a natural grace.

  “Then they have completely prepared you to be a gut husband.” She stopped. “Oh, Andrew. I’m sorry. I did not mean—”

  He shook his head. “There is nothing to be sorry about, Caroline. One day I hope to be a husband and a father.”Just not right now went unsaid. “Are you ready to go?”

  Thankfully the bib had taken the brunt of Emma’s breakfast mess and she wouldn’t need a change of clothes before they left.

  “Jah.” Caroline gathered her insulated bag for the trip for the Millers’.

  “What’s in the cooler?” Andrew asked as they made their way around to the street side of the bakery.

  “Pineapple cake.”

  “Yum,” he said with a halfhearted smile.

  “You don’t like pineapple cake?”

  He laughed. “I was hoping for cowboy cookies.”

  Caroline returned his chuckle. “Next time, for sure.”

  They rounded the corner, and she stopped in her tracks. The beautiful roan horse that had pulled their buggy to church on Sunday was tied to the hitching post in front of the bakery.